Invisible illness

Ever think what the hell is the sense in trying anymore?

That was my whole week. In July I had a motor vehicle accident that I can not discuss because there are attorneys involved but just know I was sitting at a red light minding my own business.

This has drastically changed my life, I am constantly in pain.

This week has been crap for me…I actually entertained the idea of ending it all so I am not a burden on anyone. I am feeling like a failure lately. This depression is wreaking havoc on my life.

I pray everyday. I get up, show up, and paste a smile on my face. But that is not how I feel. I am hoping my smile will force my brain to think it is happy. It did not work.

My boyfriend Larry asked me what was wrong the night I was thinking of ending it all and my heart just literally split in two and the tears came. I reassured him that I love him and let him know that he changed my life. You know, just in case something “happens”.

It is not fair to him, me having these horrible thoughts but I am fighting battles with invisible monsters. That is very hard to explain to someone who has never had mental illness. He pointed out all the good things in my life and I honestly said, I don’t care, it doesn’t even matter anymore.

Why? Why did I say that?! I don’t believe that! There is so much for me to be thankful and grateful for but my mental illness just keeps screaming lies in my head. Over and over again, bringing me to the brink of insanity. I don’t want to be like this.

I fight everyday, battles no one sees. Am I a warrior? I sure as hell am but sometimes the illness is merciless. It is kicking me while I am down, not even giving me a chance to try and stand up.

The invisible illness no one sees. People have such a hard time imagining that you are sick in your soul because they can’t “see” it, you must be lying or just vying for attention. Untrue! I would not wish mental illness on my worst enemy.

People say pray. You have no idea, I am praying so much God’s ears are probably bleeding. My Faith is literally the only thing keeping me above ground these days.

People with mental disorders suffer in silence. They are afraid to come forward for fear that they will be ridiculed for being weak or lazy. Do you know how much those words hurt the suffering? I wish it was just as simple as taking a walk or working out, that does Not cure our mental illness! Nothing will. It is just a lonely journey, working on slaying the monsters in our brains. It is a lot of introspection, and forgiveness.

Part of my mental illness was inherited from family and part of it was caused by two family members who abused me.

At this point I am working on forgiving them, not for them but for myself. I could never do it face to face because one is actually dead and the other one is dead to me. But I am handing it over to God, this baggage I have been carrying is not mine. It does not belong to me and I am letting go of that which no longer serves me.

Will this magically “cure” me, of course not, but it will release some of the guilt and blame I have been putting on myself, that I never deserved.

It is a struggle every single day and I will always be honest. This past week kicked my butt and here I sit, putting it out there. Not just because writing it out helps but also to let other suffers know, you are not alone. The battle is real, I know the war raging in your head and I am here in full battle gear fighting with you my friend.

~Love and Blessings ~LSG 💜